People need unconditional love. I instantly recognized the truth of that idea when I ran across the work of Carl Rogers in college.  But that creates a dilemma for me.

Either it's actually possible to love unconditionally, or it's not. If it's not, then something is required for the full expression of humanity that we simply cannot have, and that would mean that life is ultimately tragic. I can talk more about how I managed to rid myself of existential angst later. For now, just: No. I can not accept that the universe is set up that way.

So, then, it has to be possible.

Thinking of this led me to an awareness I think I really needed. I have been trying to learn to put the truths I see into words, as wonderful teachers I love do so well. I've been really pushing in that direction, pushing the way you try to push water, or push a rope. Pushing. I want to be able to share these ideas with people I love--ideas like non-judgement and oneness. Surely, being able to write well about them is my calling. It's what I'm here to do.

But thinking about this, about Carl Rogers and unconditional love, I realized--no, I remembered--what it is I am actually doing. I don't know how I ever forgot.

My purpose here is to love unconditionally. Not to write brilliant essays or books, not to become something in particular. Loving unconditionally is the only thing I need to learn, the only thing that matters.

I have heard people tell me that they don't want to study Karate (or any martial art) because, they say, it's not practical, or it's too structured, too choreographed to be worthwhile. I've even heard students complain that endless punches and blocks will not help them to become... whatever it is they hope to become.

But what I've noticed is that the sempai at our dojo are amazing people. If they got to be the way they are by doing ten thousand middle punches, then I will do ten thousand middle punches. It's pretty simple.

So why is it that when it comes to Zen Buddhism, I whine, just like these folks who reject martial arts?

See, I don't think Buddhism is a very good idea. There are plenty of reasons. Westerners, I tell myself, can't really be Buddhist. We can only be Wanna-be-Buddhists. And there are all sorts of philosophical problems with non-attachment. And what's wrong with dualism? You can't have A and not-A, right? All that stuff about ancestors, yuck. And while I have ideas about The God-Force That Is Love, and All That Is, when people start talking specifics I quickly begin looking like an atheist. "Lord Buddha," indeed. Harumph.

For years (and I mean years) I've been picking bits and pieces, reading great masters, and telling myself, I guess, that it's just sheer luck that these teachers are so dang wise.

What's finally sinking in is that these folks have something figured out. I'm not saying they're perfect, but when I look at the people who do call themselves Buddhist, I think that maybe, whatever my monkey-mind has to say, I could stand to learn a thing or two. I think that they're clearing a pretty nice path, and maybe I should drop my machete and follow them instead.

So while I'm not quite ready to call myself a Buddhist, I think I am ready to shut up and sit. Close the door, will you?